Non-violent Communication

Pastoral Counselling Course  27th-28th September 2018 

1. Write an integration paper of understanding and insights received?

  

The two-day sessions were guided by the Holy Spirit and the grace of God. It was a moving experience invoking the Spirit with a hymn Spirit be our spirit...

On the first day, we were put into context by drawing our attention to Jesus. Evangelists tell us how Jesus was compassionate, empathetic and yet effective in his three years of public ministry. Therefore, Jesus the Good Shepherd is our model and inspiration to emulate and imitate. It was an eye-opener for me, that (in the contexts of the Religious Life) ‘if we are left to ourselves then we come to know the truth of our convictions and commitments.’ Perhaps, today a majority of laypeople, faithful, domestic staff and people who associate with us in work know how autonomous, authoritative, assertive, independent and even disobedient we are. This sets everything in perspective of the Pastoral Counselling and the need of the hour. Good to take note of some of the real problems brought to our attention.  

1. Lack of Proper Human Formation (emotional and relational problems)

2. Everything is OK (I am ok) Attitude (We think we have no problems, but...?)  

3. Lack of Listening and Communication Skills

4. Lack of Psycho-Sexual Maturity (lack of ability to steer, manage and channel feelings)

5. Still into Late Adolescent (displacement of anger and disfigured motivations)  

6. Double Life (Public Life does not resonate in Private Life)  

As a consequence of these problems, we fail to strike a balance. We even fail to live an integrated life due to inner conflicts and emotional outbreaks. It is sad to see how inner life does not radiate public life. In this downfall, we lack integrity, credibility and prayer life (Christ will be put in the back seat).  

What is the way out? Our God is a Good Shepherd; he does not leave us in trouble but will lead us to the green pastures. Jesus teaches us how to find the lost coin, lost sheep and the lost son. For, “It is not healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” (Mt 9:12).

1. Love (Love conquers all)

2. Patience (Patience is a virtue and is the mother of all virtues)  

3. Self-Control

4. Discernment (introspection is mandatory without any exception)

5. Non violent Communication (OFNR)

It is enlightening to understand how God loved the world and sent his only son so that whoever believes in him may not die but have eternal life. This certainly implies that Incarnation is a way of God’s communication to the world. Therefore, Incarnation is the journey of God’s heart to humanity (John 3:16). The fruit of God’s Non violent Communication is peace, joy, forgiveness and above all is LOVE in eternity). Having been enlightened by the psychological and social dynamics of Freud and Ericson and of course, with the background of our needs noted by Maslow I believe, it is through this Non violent Communication (OFNR) that we all become compassionate while valued everyone who deserve basic self-respect without exception. Thus we learn to understand and help others and thus get connected to them and give time and space by giving from our heart. In short, we become real, sincere and truthful about ourselves and others. Eventually, we begin to understand and know less; we begin to help others and judge less. Of course, the Holy Spirit is the guiding force of this new method of human learning, growing and glowing.     

Conclusion: On the second day we have drawn a lot of insights for the pastoral life and for pastoral counselling. It is highly imperative for all consecrated men and women to first have a basic moral certainty before we step into the mission. Therefore, we all ought to have a heart of Jesus like that of the Good Shepherd. The journey of the Heart is all about having a compassionate heart first to love and to be loved. At times education, information and date don’t really help us unless and until we really become people who educate their conscience and heart. It is only by working upon one’s emotions, feelings and desires that we become effective pastors. It is all becoming a good human person that we become better in our mission. Therefore, it is fundamental for the pastors to be human and understanding. I sincerely felt Non Violent Communication proposed by Marshall B Rosenberg is effective if followed in one’s daily life and much more in one’s ministry. Let us not forget the golden words of St Irenaeus “The glory of God is wo/man who is fully alive.” This is exactly the vision of God for humanity, that we be happy in life. What goes around comes around. If we practice NVC for sure we would only become the agents of change and transformation. Golden Rule is “Give unto others what you would want them to do to thee.” (Mt 7:12).

2.1:  The Meaning of the Words

A. OBSERVATION: It is all about what I see (phenomenological). I am exhorted to see with a compassionate heart for the other. What I just observe, see and notice only. By this observation method, we become free from Evaluation, Judgment.

  

B. SELF REALIZATION: It is just coming to one’s senses. By examination of conscience, by reflection over something we do and by introspection we come to self-realization. It is a revealing process of one’s character and conduct.    

C. DISCERNMENT: It is the ability to obtain a sharp perception to make a decision or judgement. It gives a sense of purpose, direction and motivation. It is a wise, prudent and timely judgement making process or a decision-making process.

D. EMOTIONAL MATURITY: It is the ability to handle the situation, capacity to respond to circumstances and control emotions and feelings without suppressing them but expressing them in a more balanced and adult manner while dealing with others as well.  

E. TOUCH: Touch is the most effective means to communicate feelings and emotions. Therefore, withholding of touch may even communicate a variety of negative feelings.

     

2.2 Implication of the Words with an Example Each

A. OBSERVATION: As a brother assisting boys in the study time, if I notice boys talking and dust ruing others during study time...I would use this skill as;   

Eg:-Savio, today I saw you talking loud in the study hall.  

B. SELF REALIZATION: On a Sunday, during the pastoral council meet, while I am instructing I will be conscious of the time and the works of the participants at home. If the meeting goes much beyond the time then I will provide them with some refreshments to eat.

Eg:-I will be aware of my usual tendency to give long homilies.      

C. DISCERNMENT: As a parish priest, I will call for a youth meet and make them aware of the parish situation and the needs of the parish. I exhort them to give their valuable suggestions.

Eg:-Before making a decision in the youth meet I will discern and make a relevant, useful, practical and important decision for the parish youth to follow.      

D. EMOTIONAL MATURITY: As a parish priest, I will be conscious of my emotions, feelings and my Achilles’ heel.

Eg:-While dealing with women, children and poor people of the parish I will be concerned but I watch my motivations and emotions. 

E. TOUCH: As a parish priest I have the moral obligation and responsibility to support the poor and the needy. Therefore, if one of the poor families in the parish faces a misfortune, I will stand by them particularly in their time of need and support,

Eg:-I will go to the breadwinner of the family and spent time with him listening to him. I will be with the family and encourage the faithful to render their generous contribution and support. By touch his shoulders I will assure him of emotional and material help.

References

1. Accessed on 29^th September 2018, “An Introduction to Non violent Communication,”http://www.schooltransformation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Kendrick_NVC_Materials.pdf.  

2. Accessed on 29^th September, 2018, “NVC Instruction Guide,” http://www.cnvc.org/sites/cnvc.org/files/NVCInstructionGuide_Jiva_.pdf

3. Pope John Paul II, Pos-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation Pastores Dabo Vobis, to the Bishops, Clergy and Faithful on the Formation of Priests in the Circumstances of the Present Day,http://w2.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/apost_exhortations/documents/hf_jp-ii_exh_25031992_pastores-dabo-vobis.html, Accessed on 29^th September, 2018.

5. The New Jerusalem Bible (England: Datron, Longman & Todd Ltd, 1985).

(Not referred but for additional help)

6. Psychosexual Integration and Celibate Maturity: Handbook for Religious and Priestly Formation, Eds. Jose Parappully and Jose Kuttianimattathil Vol. 1 (Bangalore: Salesian Psychological Association, 2012).  

7. Psychosexual Integration and Celibate Maturity: Handbook for Religious and Priestly Formation, Eds. Jose Parappully and Jose Kuttianimattathil Vol. 2 (Bangalore: Salesian Psychological Association, 2012).

“In every moment, each of us is trying to meet our needs in the best way we know how.”

:-Marshall Rosenberg