Non-violent Communication

Pastoral Counselling Course  27th-28th September 2018 

1. Write an integration paper of understanding and insights received?

  

The two-day sessions were guided by the Holy Spirit and the grace of God. It was a moving experience invoking the Spirit with a hymn Spirit be our spirit...

On the first day, we were put into context by drawing our attention to Jesus. Evangelists tell us how Jesus was compassionate, empathetic and yet effective in his three years of public ministry. Therefore, Jesus the Good Shepherd is our model and inspiration to emulate and imitate. It was an eye-opener for me, that (in the contexts of the Religious Life) ‘if we are left to ourselves then we come to know the truth of our convictions and commitments.’ Perhaps, today a majority of laypeople, faithful, domestic staff and people who associate with us in work know how autonomous, authoritative, assertive, independent and even disobedient we are. This sets everything in perspective of the Pastoral Counselling and the need of the hour. Good to take note of some of the real problems brought to our attention.  

1. Lack of Proper Human Formation (emotional and relational problems)

2. Everything is OK (I am ok) Attitude (We think we have no problems, but...?)  

3. Lack of Listening and Communication Skills

4. Lack of Psycho-Sexual Maturity (lack of ability to steer, manage and channel feelings)

5. Still into Late Adolescent (displacement of anger and disfigured motivations)  

6. Double Life (Public Life does not resonate in Private Life)  

As a consequence of these problems, we fail to strike a balance. We even fail to live an integrated life due to inner conflicts and emotional outbreaks. It is sad to see how inner life does not radiate public life. In this downfall, we lack integrity, credibility and prayer life (Christ will be put in the back seat).  

What is the way out? Our God is a Good Shepherd; he does not leave us in trouble but will lead us to the green pastures. Jesus teaches us how to find the lost coin, lost sheep and the lost son. For, “It is not healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” (Mt 9:12).

1. Love (Love conquers all)

2. Patience (Patience is a virtue and is the mother of all virtues)  

3. Self-Control

4. Discernment (introspection is mandatory without any exception)

5. Non violent Communication (OFNR)

It is enlightening to understand how God loved the world and sent his only son so that whoever believes in him may not die but have eternal life. This certainly implies that Incarnation is a way of God’s communication to the world. Therefore, Incarnation is the journey of God’s heart to humanity (John 3:16). The fruit of God’s Non violent Communication is peace, joy, forgiveness and above all is LOVE in eternity). Having been enlightened by the psychological and social dynamics of Freud and Ericson and of course, with the background of our needs noted by Maslow I believe, it is through this Non violent Communication (OFNR) that we all become compassionate while valued everyone who deserve basic self-respect without exception. Thus we learn to understand and help others and thus get connected to them and give time and space by giving from our heart. In short, we become real, sincere and truthful about ourselves and others. Eventually, we begin to understand and know less; we begin to help others and judge less. Of course, the Holy Spirit is the guiding force of this new method of human learning, growing and glowing.     

Conclusion: On the second day we have drawn a lot of insights for the pastoral life and for pastoral counselling. It is highly imperative for all consecrated men and women to first have a basic moral certainty before we step into the mission. Therefore, we all ought to have a heart of Jesus like that of the Good Shepherd. The journey of the Heart is all about having a compassionate heart first to love and to be loved. At times education, information and date don’t really help us unless and until we really become people who educate their conscience and heart. It is only by working upon one’s emotions, feelings and desires that we become effective pastors. It is all becoming a good human person that we become better in our mission. Therefore, it is fundamental for the pastors to be human and understanding. I sincerely felt Non Violent Communication proposed by Marshall B Rosenberg is effective if followed in one’s daily life and much more in one’s ministry. Let us not forget the golden words of St Irenaeus “The glory of God is wo/man who is fully alive.” This is exactly the vision of God for humanity, that we be happy in life. What goes around comes around. If we practice NVC for sure we would only become the agents of change and transformation. Golden Rule is “Give unto others what you would want them to do to thee.” (Mt 7:12).

2.1:  The Meaning of the Words

A. OBSERVATION: It is all about what I see (phenomenological). I am exhorted to see with a compassionate heart for the other. What I just observe, see and notice only. By this observation method, we become free from Evaluation, Judgment.

  

B. SELF REALIZATION: It is just coming to one’s senses. By examination of conscience, by reflection over something we do and by introspection we come to self-realization. It is a revealing process of one’s character and conduct.    

C. DISCERNMENT: It is the ability to obtain a sharp perception to make a decision or judgement. It gives a sense of purpose, direction and motivation. It is a wise, prudent and timely judgement making process or a decision-making process.

D. EMOTIONAL MATURITY: It is the ability to handle the situation, capacity to respond to circumstances and control emotions and feelings without suppressing them but expressing them in a more balanced and adult manner while dealing with others as well.  

E. TOUCH: Touch is the most effective means to communicate feelings and emotions. Therefore, withholding of touch may even communicate a variety of negative feelings.

     

2.2 Implication of the Words with an Example Each

A. OBSERVATION: As a brother assisting boys in the study time, if I notice boys talking and dust ruing others during study time...I would use this skill as;   

Eg:-Savio, today I saw you talking loud in the study hall.  

B. SELF REALIZATION: On a Sunday, during the pastoral council meet, while I am instructing I will be conscious of the time and the works of the participants at home. If the meeting goes much beyond the time then I will provide them with some refreshments to eat.

Eg:-I will be aware of my usual tendency to give long homilies.      

C. DISCERNMENT: As a parish priest, I will call for a youth meet and make them aware of the parish situation and the needs of the parish. I exhort them to give their valuable suggestions.

Eg:-Before making a decision in the youth meet I will discern and make a relevant, useful, practical and important decision for the parish youth to follow.      

D. EMOTIONAL MATURITY: As a parish priest, I will be conscious of my emotions, feelings and my Achilles’ heel.

Eg:-While dealing with women, children and poor people of the parish I will be concerned but I watch my motivations and emotions. 

E. TOUCH: As a parish priest I have the moral obligation and responsibility to support the poor and the needy. Therefore, if one of the poor families in the parish faces a misfortune, I will stand by them particularly in their time of need and support,

Eg:-I will go to the breadwinner of the family and spent time with him listening to him. I will be with the family and encourage the faithful to render their generous contribution and support. By touch his shoulders I will assure him of emotional and material help.

References

1. Accessed on 29^th September 2018, “An Introduction to Non violent Communication,”http://www.schooltransformation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Kendrick_NVC_Materials.pdf.  

2. Accessed on 29^th September, 2018, “NVC Instruction Guide,” http://www.cnvc.org/sites/cnvc.org/files/NVCInstructionGuide_Jiva_.pdf

3. Pope John Paul II, Pos-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation Pastores Dabo Vobis, to the Bishops, Clergy and Faithful on the Formation of Priests in the Circumstances of the Present Day,http://w2.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/apost_exhortations/documents/hf_jp-ii_exh_25031992_pastores-dabo-vobis.html, Accessed on 29^th September, 2018.

5. The New Jerusalem Bible (England: Datron, Longman & Todd Ltd, 1985).

(Not referred but for additional help)

6. Psychosexual Integration and Celibate Maturity: Handbook for Religious and Priestly Formation, Eds. Jose Parappully and Jose Kuttianimattathil Vol. 1 (Bangalore: Salesian Psychological Association, 2012).  

7. Psychosexual Integration and Celibate Maturity: Handbook for Religious and Priestly Formation, Eds. Jose Parappully and Jose Kuttianimattathil Vol. 2 (Bangalore: Salesian Psychological Association, 2012).

“In every moment, each of us is trying to meet our needs in the best way we know how.”

:-Marshall Rosenberg

24Th Week, Monday Year B-Homily (17Th September, 2018)

Monday: 1 Cor. 11:17-26, 33; Lk. 7:1-10  

The first reading presents to us how Paul explains the attitude and the disposition of the community with regard to the Lord’s Supper. In fact, Paul gives a scolding to the community because they failed to understand the meaning of the real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. As we all know that the Eucharist is the expression of Jesus love for the twelve apostles. But, the community was disloyal to this Eucharistic love due to disunity and lack of eschatological orientation. One of the reasons why Paul does not commend the community is that while celebrating the Eucharist they were stuck to their divisions and factions. Thus the community failed to understand the primordial things over the trivial issues. They gave away the eschatological essentials by being bogged down by the existential elements. Paul is rather emphatic as he says that what he received from the Lord he passed it on. But then the community could not do so. Therefore, at this complex situation, Paul comes out with a solution to re-examine their attitude towards the real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist and then turn to the Lord for help so that they may open their hearts to celebrate the Eucharist worthily. In the context of the Eucharist Christian charity and fraternity become very strong as it is both a thanksgiving and a sharing (Bread being broken and shared). In fact, the words “Do this in memory of me” the Lord initiates a bond of mutual sharing and mutual love. Therefore, Paul is heavy on the community for having failed to recognise this Eucharistic element.   

In today’s gospel, we read of a centurion’s response of faith in Jesus. The emphasis in the miracle is given to the power of Jesus’ word. A centurion, being a Roman, considered as unclean by the Jews and yet manifests a great deal of faith in Jesus. As a commander of the army, he could command his army from a distance understood that Jesus also could heal his servant from a distance. The point of the story is Jesus’ affirmation of the centurion’s faith and not the report of the healing that concludes the story. In fact, Lukan description communicates Jesus’ surprise at the Gentile’s faith, and his approval as well. This tells us that where Jesus would have expected to find faith in an Israel, here he finds it in a Gentile. Jews request Jesus not to consider him as a Gentile for he was good to the Jews. In contrast to what the Jewish elders say, the centurion claims that he is not worthy to welcome Jesus into his house. He was even sensitive to Jesus not to allow him to break Jewish rule of ritual purity. Thus a centurion acknowledges Jesus’ power over the forces of death. So much so that he even believed that Jesus’ mere word would restore his servant to health. Here, a centurion became a hero not because he did something extraordinary or he is worthy not because he did good deeds but because he believed that God in Jesus conquered death. His unexpected faith is contrasted with that of those who were expected to believe and did not. 

Dear friends, the word of God invites us to think about our faith in Jesus, how deep and firm it is? Or how shallow and superficial it is? The situation in and around is in no way different from that of Jesus. If so are we like a centurion who professed in Jesus or like the community in the first reading who celebrated the Eucharist unworthily. The former was outside the chosen race yet believed in the Lord and latter was inside the chosen race but failed to believe the real presence of the Lord. Therefore, like the centurion let us express our faith in Jesus and not in people. If we keep our faith in people surely we will lose our faith like the community in the first reading who were blinded by their own vested interests and selfish motives and failed to believe the real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. Such people are not very far from heresy, schism and apostasy. How fatal that would be, living a life of self-contradiction and a life of uncertainty. Instead, like the centurion who considered himself unworthy before Jesus and yet believed that only Jesus could bring healing for his servant and reconciliation to him whom the world considered as the unclean. But the Lord was amazed at his faith. Dear friends, seeing you and me will the Lord say not even in Israel have I found faith as great as this. If so you are not very far from the Kingdom of God. If not, better examine before the Lord who truly, really and substantially comes to us in this Eucharist. And it is better to repent now than never.    

Youth: Where is your Heart?

Once, a friend asked me to prepare a talk on the role of the young people towards parents, family and the Church. Today, the young people are seemed to be busy doing many things but they fail in life. In fact, many young people end up in life as drunkards, drug addicts, rapists and then commit suicide. As teenagers, they are so promising and so active in studies, sports and music but then as they complete teenage something goes wrong with them. Where are the principles that they learn in the School? Where are the values that they learn in the family? Where is their faith? Being young is adventurous and challenging. But then, suddenly there is a drastic change in their lifestyle, dress code, talk, food habits, picnics, new and unknown friendships and online late night chatting etc. Dear young reader, I am happy that you are reading this and while you read if you find yourself uncomfortable then you’ve got to think seriously about your life. Today all the young people who are victims of Media, Social Networks and online relationship are having a sickness called FOMO. What is this? It is Fear Of Missing Out. All those who check their WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Messenger and other social networks for updates and notifications fall into this new sickness of FOMO. They are not in control of them but the Mobile and the Media. There are many other social and behavioural changes that take place in these people; sleeplessness, dilemma, depression, headache and irritation are few among them.       

It is good to think about what is going on in the mind of the young people. Where are the young people? Who is their friend? And where is their heart? In the Bible there are questions:

In (Gen. 3:8), God asked Adam, Where are you?

In (Gen. 4:9), Yahweh asked Cain, Where is your brother Abel?

And in (.......), the Lord asked the young man, Where is your Heart?

Today God asks every young man and young woman the same questions...where are you? Where is hour brother/sister? And where is your heart?

In this buzz world, there is a danger of truth being manipulated and identity being disfigured. Unfortunately, even the leaders of the country don’t help the young to make the right decisions and choose life and avoid evil. Instead, political and religious fundamentalist groups mobilize the young and use them as means for their selfish motives. The media is so deceptive that it adds fuel to fire by confusing the young people about their priorities and responsibilities. Thus the young people are becoming victims of media culture. As a consequence of the negative influence of media, fanatic and fundamentalist culture the young people become indifferent to their responsibilities and become overactive on the social networks where they find their imaginations and fantasies coming true. They get lost in this wave of media and become helpless victims of trend and end up miserably by joining violent groups causing public and social damage. God asks to choose life or death. If we choose life then we have got to work at it and if we choose death than the world makes use of us and leaves us at the end as victims of media culture and as the puppets in the hands of the rich.  

What went wrong with these young people? First and foremost they lacked focus in life and therefore they begin to enjoy life in sin. Sin is a passing joy, a momentary pleasure but the guilt remains (Eph 7:1; 2 Cori 4:8). What is the solution? The only solution we have is Jesus Christ and the Sacraments.   

We become what we behold. Life is not an accident, nor an incident, nor a coincident, not a chance or a by chance but by choice. Yes, it is the Choice of God that we are alive. It is His gift to us. Therefore, your attitude toward life determines your altitude in life. Attitude: Faith, Work and Humility. Altitude: Grace, Success and Happiness. Prayer is the key to heaven but faith unlocks the door. So, my prayer is that the young people today must be focussed and be clear about those three Biblical questions and thus strive to find meaning, happiness and fulfilment in life. When we are young we must invest all our energies to lay a strong foundation for our better future. Therefore, delay not but start working on. Faith, Morals, sacraments and responsibilities are the stepping stones for a happy, joyous and holy life.  

A Student Laments over...(A to Z)

Alas!

Bitter tale is mine.

Comes to my mind like an unceasing sunrise and

Drives me into depression and dejection.

Eventides are filled with assignments galore.

Frequent trials of text-familiarity tests add on to my grief.

Griever, I have become more grievers my associates turned.

Highlighting, again and again, the highlights of the Bible text,

Inch is not left without colouring the page.

Just how contrast to my day; colourless and lifeless.

Knowledge of the scripture I sought to master

Lamentations unending is what I fetched and

Mourning and in misery, I sink deep.

Nineveh, the old destroyed city

Oh! What a similar pathetic state we both have

Parched for comfort and longing for consolation.

Questionable life is mine, is it worth treading?

Render your answer, O Lord, and restore my soul.

Silence, my dearest soul, loose not your hope

Trust in Lord, take time to test your motives

Unwrap your true self, strive for the truth

Victory is in the WORD alone.

Woe is you, if you don’t grab the intention and experience of your professor, so

Xerox entire scripture with haste

Yes! This is your true destination and a sure path to

Zion above, the eternal God’s abode.

           

 Yet this is written as an assignment in appreciation for the writer of the book of lamentation for his acrostic poems. In order to keep and follow the alphabetical order author seems bit exaggerating yet it does not bog me down to appreciate his efforts.  

M. Sudhakar.